


A Breakup Goes Viral

by RanMouri82



Series: SnippetTales [5]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 01:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7078741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RanMouri82/pseuds/RanMouri82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sans gets 15 minutes of unwanted fame when Bratty makes the best vlog update in the history of, like, ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Breakup Goes Viral

When Bratty strolled into Perkalicious, a local coffee shop near the foot of Mt. Ebott, the blonde alligator clutched her pastel pink purse, reached up on tiptoe though she already stood head and shoulders over the bustling crowd, and waved at her lunch date. A skeleton sat by the windows behind a small, round table with a giant latte, immobile. Then, Bratty shrugged. As usual, Sans was sleeping.

Or he appeared to be sleeping since his hood was up. With Sans, it was hard to tell the difference.

After ordering an iced macchiato piled high with whipped cream and caramel drizzle, Bratty pushed through the more indecisive humans and made her way to the table where Sans snored. She chirped, "Hey hey!"

Sans opened his right eye. "Heya."

"Soooo, like, you said you wanted to talk to me about something?" Bratty said, setting down her cup, leaning her chin in her palms and batting her eyes coated with blue eyeshadow.

"Yeah. Gotta admit, going with you to that party you dragged me to last week was kinda fun." Sans shrugged as if it took all his strength to move.

"See? I told you it would be totally awesome!" Bratty slurped her drink and winked.

"And the movie we saw with Alphys and Undyne was fun, too." The lights in Sans' eye sockets drifted toward the window. The bright, sunny day was as good as any on the surface.

"Wasn't that the best?" Laughing, Bratty's mind suddenly appeared to be floating in another world of hearts and violins. Synth violins, but still. "Leonardo DiCaprio is crazy hot."

Sans grinned. Technically, he always grinned, but this smile was tight. "That's exactly what we need to talk about."

Wiping the whipped cream from her snout, but careful to avoid her lipstick, Bratty blinked. "Huh?"

"Paps was really excited about something you told him the other day," said Sans, sitting up straighter than usual and staring through the alligator. "You said his humerus was the strongest ever and all his arm bones would look great around your shoulder? I don’t find that _humerus_ at all."

"Oopsie! I totally, like, get it," Bratty said, giggling and waving Sans off with her pink, press-on claws, "didn't mean to make you jealous."

"Now see, I'm too lazy to care about stuff like that," Sans said, shaking his head. "My bro, though? He had no idea you were just flirting for fun. Heck, he went around sighing all day and plucking daisy petals because he thought you were in love with him." His eye sockets darkened. "Not cool."

“Chillax! I’m surprised that you’re surprised he fell so hard, because I’m totally gorgeous, but still.” Bratty took a sip of her macchiato and plucked her cell phone from her purse. “I’ll just text your bro to set him straight, and—”

“Nope.” Sans lifted his hand and, with a wisp of blue magic, grabbed it from Bratty with a snap. His eyes lighting again, he said, “I already told him. He had himself a good cry, made a batch of spaghetti, and got over you.”

“Oh! Well, like, good and stuff,” Bratty said, grabbing her phone when Sans tossed it back. “Problem solved?”

“Almost. From now on, just steer clear of him.” With a wink, he added, “And me.”

"Wait. S-so, like, are you, like," Bratty said, blinking so intensely her false eyelashes loosened, "breaking up with me?"

Sans took his time to slide off his chair and answer. For a second, it looked like he fell asleep where he stood. But then, he pointed his hands at her like a pair of bony finger guns and said, "Gettttttt dumped on!"

Neighboring tables fell silent and Bratty’s long jaw dropped.

“Welp, guess we’re _done_ here,” Sans said with a shrug. Then, he disappeared.

 

A few hours later, Sans snoozed in his bed, propped against a mound of pillows. All was silent but the soft tweeting of birds outside his open window. A warm breeze tossed his curtains with a rustle. Perfect time for a nap.

_BANG!_

"SANS!" Papyrus cried, throwing open the bedroom door, stomping across the carpet, and waving his smartphone in his brother's sleepy face. "I can’t concoct puzzles with all these ringing bells! Check your email already so these women stop bothering me!"

Sans blinked his eyes open. "Huh, bro?"

"I would mind less if they were writing to tell me how great I am, but no! They're all desperate to date you!"

"Uh," Sans said. None of this was computing. "What?"

Groaning, Papyrus shoved his phone into Sans hands. "What above ground did you do to make these hordes of monsters and humans want you in their friend zone?!"

Just then, the phone blared Papyrus’ triumphal march ringtone. Sans glanced at the screen. “Undyne.”

“Alright, I will answer it. But check your email while I do,” Papyrus grumbled, taking his phone. His skull bursting into a grin, he called out, “Why, hello Undyne! Did you want some leftover—not you, too?! Fine!” He dropped the phone back into Sans hands and then planted his fists on his pelvis. “It’s for you.”

"Hey, punk!" Undyne shouted as Papyrus scowled.

"Oh, heya Undyne," Sans mumbled. Papyrus still hovered at his side, so he grabbed the laptop at his slippered feet and moved to open his inbox under Papyrus’ watchful eye sockets. Less effort that way. "'Sup?"

Undyne sounded urgent, even for Undyne. "Alphys says there's a video that you need to see. NOW."

"If it's—"

"Not anime. That would be much cooler," Undyne grunted. "Hang on, she’s emailing it over."

"Huh." Just then, an email from Alphys popped up in his inbox, unread. Well, all of them were unread. Who wants to read over 200 emails? Sans made a mental note to hit ‘delete all’ as soon as he felt like doing it.

"Here’s the deal: Bratty and Catty have a vlog. You know? Video blog?" Undyne said, rolling her patchless eye.

Sans read the email’s subject line: ‘Bratty and Catty Girl Talk - S3E12’. He blinked in amazement. "They've got three seasons of this stuff?"

"Yeah, and their YouTube channel's a huge success and it somehow makes them money, but whatever," Undyne said with a growl. "Just watch it."

At that, Sans put Undyne’s call on speakerphone and laid it on his rumpled bedsheets before opening the email. Skipping past Alphys’ long, rambling apology for sending him an email link when such things were normally spam that hackers use to phish, send viruses, etc., and how horrible it was for her to lull Sans into a false sense of security by emailing him a link at any time, etc., Sans scrolled down to the YouTube link and clicked it.

The standard white background and embedded video appeared on the left while the screen’s right edge showed suggested videos, including previous episodes of Bratty and Catty’s show and a series of style tutorials by Mettaton. An MTT ad played first, which explained something about how Bratty and Catty made money from this.

Then the show itself began to play. A sequined pink curtain with Bratty and Catty’s faces and the title ‘Bratty and Catty Girl Talk (omg!)’ superimposed in dancing, digital letters popped up while the monster ladies read the title and broke down into giggles. The title screen swept to the side, revealing Bratty and Catty labelled onscreen as ‘Girl Talkers Extraordinaire’.

“Hey hey, guys and gals!” they said in unison, giving the camera a perky wave.

Bratty tossed her blonde hair. “I’m Bratty—

“—and I’m Catty.”

The two glomped each other. “And weeeeee’re BESTIES!”

Catty giggled into her paw. “Let’s dish!”

“...Brother,” Papyrus said, as numb and slack-jawed as Sans, “is this real or is it a nightmare?”

“Both,” Sans mumbled. The brothers’ eye sockets boggled.

Then, the girls said in sing-song, “The dish of the week is”—drumroll and crash—“Sans!”

A picture of Sans balancing a stack of hot dogs on his head while he slept flashed onscreen, bordered by sparkles and introduced by harp music.

“Sans the skeleton from Snowdin for serious,” said Bratty, her tiny cheeks on her long snout blushing bright. “Okay, so. Sans is, like, super lazy.”

“Won’t move until he has to.” said Catty. “And he tells these terrible jokes—”

“—Into puns way more than is healthy. But he was funny enough to perform at the MTT Resort back in the Underground,” chimed in Bratty. From that point on, the girls’ words overlapped so much, it was hard to listen to one or the other, so Sans focused on Bratty, starting to suspect where this was going. “Sans went wherever I wanted as long as I carried him from place to place, and he was sooooo lightweight, for real.”

“—Totally portable.”

“Like a crazy light koala bear, right?” Bratty said, shrugging. “So I thought he was kinda cute and asked him out.”

“—Just for funsies.”

“He was like, sure, whatever, and we went on a couple of dates, nothing serious, had some fun and laughs and it was all good. But Catty here knows how much _more_ fun it is to flirt.” Bratty elbowed her friend, who laughed and nodded. “So one day, I stopped by his house and chatted up his bro, Papyrus. Super sweet doofball, he was all about it!”

“Papyrus is a total dork cutie,” Catty said, nodding emphatically.

"But that’s where things went south. Turns out Papyrus thought it was mad love, so now Sans and I got bad blood ’cause I totally broke his bro’s monster soul." Bratty giggled and bumped shoulders with Catty. "Whoopsies!"

"Major whoopsies!" giggled Catty.

“WHAT?” Papyrus cried. “She did not break my soul! Merely bruised it a little,” he huffed, frowning, though his quivering jawbone gave him away. He pointed his index finger high. “Nobody can break The Great Papyrus, nyeh-heh-heh!”

“But the best part—” Bratty continued.

“Best ever—”

“Was Sans suddenly got all scary-eyed and stood up by himself, which is major for him—”

“A miracle—”

“True,” muttered Papyrus and Undyne. Sans ignored them, as usual.

“And then he pointed at me like he was Bruce Lee or Bruce Willis or something, a total boss,” said Bratty, pausing to imitate Sans’ pose with fierce eyes that Tyra Banks would approve, “and he said, ‘Gettttttt dumped on!’ And then, poof, he peaced out! Badass to the max!”

“Whoa,” murmured Undyne, the speakerphone crackling, “that _was_ badass.”

In the video, Bratty and Catty then eyed each other and puffed their cheeks, sheer powder kegs of excitement.

Bratty said, "And then I was like—"

Catty said, "She was like—"

They laughed together and fanned their flaming faces. "Sans is sooooo hot!"

"So yeah, all you ladies better hurry up, because there's, like, an epically eligible bachelor fresh on the market," Bratty said while Catty doubled over in peals of laughter. "Just don't flirt with his bro at the same time, 'cause he doesn't like that. Until next week!"

Catty recovered in time to join Bratty for their customary send-off where both of them blew the camera a kiss. It was not timed quite right. "Staaaaay awesomesauce!"

Just then, ignoring the closing segue into the girls’ merchandise, Sans’ gaze lingered over the video’s number of views. Over 1,000,000? In three hours?!

“Wowie!” Papyrus cried, his hands on his cheekbones and stars in his eyes. “Brother, you’re internet famous!”

“Uh, gotta warn you about the comments. Mixed company and all,” Undyne mumbled, clearly embarrassed by the whole situation. After all, the movie double date to see The Revenant was her idea.

Sans caught her drift. Okay, not in front of Paps. Wow.

“Urk!” cried Undyne suddenly, and she placed her scaly hand over the mouthpiece and shouted, “No, Alphys! Until this calms down, you’re _not_ going to be Sans’ fake date!”

“Wait a sec. There’s a button for a video response,” Sans said, clicking on it. Automatically, his laptop’s camera sprang to life. Tugging his tall brother’s forearm bones to get him seated in the camera’s view, Sans said, “Hey, Sans here. Too much work to date anybody right now, so I’m gonna block my inbox. This is my bro, Papyrus, the coolest monster ever. Fine with me if you date him, but hurt him and you’re dead. See ya.”

“See ya!” cried Papyrus, a cheery smile on his skull.

Sans clicked and sent the video, closed his laptop, and said, “Paps, take the emails if you want ‘em. Undyne, thanks for the fishhead's up.”

“Hey! Wait, punk, I’m not—!”

“Sorry, Undyne,” said Papyrus, reclaiming his cell phone. “He went back to sleep.” Immediately, he yanked the phone away from where his ear would be as Undyne cried, “nnnnnNNNNNGAAAH!”

But Sans dwelled once more in dreamland, more than content to end his 15 minutes of fame. Even internet celebrities needed their beauty rest.


End file.
